Just…Maybe…

Tomorrow marks the 8th year I’ve lived life without my own Hero. How has life been? To be fair, it has been great, but of course nothing is perfect and is left with plenty of room for improvement.

Last weekend was spent at my 15 y.o. brother’s football tournament. He played well. His formidable football spirit and passion, together with my mother’s involvement to nurture him to be what he is today, was deemed as “lifting Ong’s name high in the sky”.

16 years ago, my mom was sitting alone in her room, daydreaming, she slipped in a note to God, wishing she would have a son, who would resemble her husband. That when she looks at him, she sees her husband.

Who knew that God had heard a prayer of a woman who was only able to bear daughters? 15 years later, she gave birth to a son. And unlike her 3 baby-fat daughters, her son was born long and lean.

But did God fulfill her wishes?

He did. Today when we look at him, we see our dad. Especially when he gave a world-class football performance last weekend. Every move, every stand, reminded us of how great a footballer he is, just like his old man.

Besides the physical appearances, his spirit and the passion portrayed reminded us exactly what a man my brother has become. That day, he proved to us, what is was to be Mr. Y.T. Ong’s son. Beaming with pride for him was an unfair understatement.

So how has life been without a dad? We manage. But of course, there will be times I wish he was here. How things would be so different. No pesky boyfriend. No procrastination. No laziness. And there would be plenty of directions given by him.

When I was 17 going on 18, I spent no time thinking what I wanted to be or what to study or which college to choose. I knew what I want and getting there was no problem. I had my dad on board with me. He was the one clearing the path and making my goals seem somewhat easier to achieve. I knew I had to do everything right, because I couldn’t let him down. I worked hard towards my dreams, because what was mine, was also his.

But when he passed away, leaving me alone on this path, I realized I had no one else to support me. There was no one I would sit with just to listen to the goals he had planned for me. He was my motivator, I was the one going to succeed and make him proud. But then at 18, I had no one. I’ve never felt more alone. Daddy’s girl was left alone on her journey to success.

Now at 26, I knew things would be so much different if he was still here. I would already become an AD in my own rights, standing on stage receiving an award and thanking him for pushing me a head faster than the rest to achieve my dreams.

But now, I am at the tip of a cliff. I am deciding if I want to continue on this path, on my own or jump off to stop altogether the dreams we shared.

8 years ago, this life I wanted was for me and him. But right now who am I doing this for? Myself, just doesn’t sound like a legit reason anymore.

A letter of dissatisfaction

as you have known I did spring cleaning yesterday and I’m pretty happy with how clean an neat my room has become but the only thing that stood out more painful than a sore eye was my CRT pc since college days. Since I’ve moved into this house I did not connect the parts and make sure it was still up and running nor do I still wanna do that. I have no interest in it. It has become nothing more than metal scrap to me and I want nothing to do with it what more still lending a space of my room to it and allowing it to stick out like a bad case of pimple on a clean face.

So I asked for your help. I said I want yo throw away the pc in my room. But you totally ignore me till I changed the subject a good hour later. By ignoring me should I assume that your silence means that you would help me?

Obviously I had to find my own help. I really want that thing gone. So I asked the help of our colleague. He had suggested that I repair it and sell it off as a secod hand pc. But it has reached the number of years a pc can usually survive so I don’t want to spend money repairing something. But our colleague said he could help me dispose it. Exactly what I want: someone to help me dispose it.

I dont care what he does with it. I don’t care if he repairs it and sells it or repairs it and use it or sell it off as metal scrap. I just want it gone.

But obviously you walked in and saw us talking. And obviously you got pissed when I told you I’m asked for his help to dump my pc. And then you conveniently said you’ll help me throw it away.

But guess what? You’re not coming anywhere near my pc.

Ibu Aku

Or with a more demure sounding title, My Mother.

I don’t know why but today I felt compelled to write about this wonder woman of my life even though this month is supposed to be all about fathers. Why am I not writing about my own dad? Come on, as if you don’t know already how awesome my dad was? Sheesh. But if you still wanna know, I’ll write about him some other day. Today… today is my mother’s day.

Everyone will say that their mothers are the best in the world, yeah, yeah, but have you met MY mother?

Nah, here you go. A picture of me and me mumsy many years back so pardon our BABY fats.

Mum has short hair. She has always loved short hair. And sometimes people would comment that my mother’s hairstyle is more “IN” than mine. -_- But you know what I hate most? When people say, “Eh, Linda, your sister arh?” or “Mich, is that your sister?!” or “Walao, you both look like sisters!” to the both of us. -_-. You’re saying she looks young OR I LOOK OLD?!?! HARH?!?!?! but whatevs. As long as it makes my mother goes into a FAKE laugh, “Haha, no larh! *waves hand* Don’t say that larh! My daughter doesn’t like it! *waves hand* laughs more*” -_- Yeah. Right.

I remember when I was 17 going on 18. I was already a first year student in an art school. My mom convinced me I should re-style my hair. To a funky one. “If you don’t do now, then when? You’re only 18 once!” Well, I did. Well, I trust my mom on styles. Well, it’s just hair…..right? WRONG. It was THE worst hairstyle I’ve ever worn on my head. I had it long on the fringe, spiked up at the top and layered at the back, it was like a mullet gone terribly wrong. It resulted in having my dearest close friend screamed bloody murder at the kaki lima of our college, some 10 metres away from me. Of course, everyone looked at the reason why she screamed; me. And undoubtedly so, me and my horrendous hair cut was the center of attention. And I don’t like it. Maybe the hair cut won’t be so bad if I was still carrying my; read: BABY FATS. But you know what the icing on the cake was? When Mom told me, “OMG don’t ever cut your hair like that!” You could and SHOULD imagine my reaction. Ma, it was your idea…

Talking about art college, you have no idea how hard it was for me to apply to an art college. Not because my SPM results wasn’t good enough, not because that particular art college won’t accept me, but it was because Mama Ong said NO. She thought, and still thinks, that I will make a big mistake spending the rest of my life as a graphic designer. “Why waste your talent? You are good in doing sales, marketing and in meeting clients! I trained you up to be a businesswoman (like me)!” For those of you not clear of my mother’s background, she used to own her own business of an international brand. Well, sad to say, mother, that your eldest daughter lacks the interest of business thinking like you. No I am convinced that I am not made to be a business woman and stir up some business strategies. At some point, I thought of giving up on the war we stormed up (business school vs art college) I was so ready to enter into a business school just to please mom. Then, my made-up talent, called RelivingTheDeadThroughWords, (some of you may call it GivingExcuses) made me realized that I’ll piss mom off even more if I were to enter a business school because I’ll keep failing because I don’t understand business talks! (Trust me, 2 years “studying” Economics, I KNOW just how in-sync we are) I reasoned that with Mom and you know what she said, “Don’t give me excuses!” -_- To cut a long story short, I won the war. With the help of Dad.

Mom loves to talk. We all do. But Mom REALLY loves to talk. And when she talks you better listen! Or look at her intently! Pretend you’re concentrating even though your mind is a thousand miles away but Look. At. Her. When. She. Talks. For it is important. Trust me. There was once when she was talking to me, but I wasn’t looking at her but I swear I was listening! She threw something at me, nothing damaging to my pretty hair I promise, and shouted, “Look at me when I’m talking to you!” But Ma-ahhhh….I AM listening…. -_- But today, in the car on the way to work, she was telling me about her woes at work, I WAS listening but my eyes wandered to the monitor we have in the car, stupid F.R.I.E.N.D.S was on. Few times she caught my eyes watching the show, but she did not threaten to stop the car or kick me out but she kept talking. And it made me realized, sadly, how long ago did we spend time talking? Or rather, me-listening she-talk. Just last night, she was complaining to me how little time I’ve spent with her. It pulled my tongue tightly and I have no words to say. It was as if my made-up talent stopped working. Now, before you point your fingers and me and scream what a horrible daughter I’ve been, let me tell you, my mother is busier than me. Enough said.

But sometimes, we take for granted these super wonders in our life as I have, too. I don’t know if by writing this will compel the both of us to spend more time with each other as we both have unavoidable busy schedule (she’s the busy bee). But I just want to take this time to commend her. I know it is not Mother’s Day or her birthday and there is no reason for me to write about her, but she IS my mother. There is no specific day to write something nice for her. Everyday should be of something nice for her.

If only everyone would know how super she is, ALL of you will agree with me when I say (or rather, most of you have said) that she IS a woman of substance. She’s not only been the world’s BEST wife, BEST mother and BEST friend or BEST worker or the BEST daughter, but she has been the ultimate example why God created women.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget those dark days of our life. When our personal Super Hero gone down and lost his own fight. To me, he did not lose his battle with leukemia (as what the press said), to me, he won. He won a glorious fight, kicked leukemia in the butt and got to be at the winning tent. But what stood out more than my dad’s fight was my mother’s courage. Have you any idea or do you know any woman who juggled a sick husband in the hospital, 5 temperamental children, a running business, a house, house chores and food for her kids all at the same time? Well, I do. And you should too. Here’s the woman who did all that in the 2 years my Dad was sick. Was she worried that she has to handle EVERYTHING once my Dad is gone? Of course, she is only human. To me, no one would blame her if she pulled the plug and disappear out on us. But of course, she did not do it. She stayed on. In fact she put on her battle headgear and drew battle marks on her face and fought on FOR us.

When Dad passed on, she allowed time for us to grieve. I think there were moments where she didn’t allow any press who wanted to know about Dad to come near us. They only ask stupid questions, like “How do you feel that your Dad is gone?” -_- Seriously?! But occasionally we had to appear in front of the camera when Mom couldn’t. Those time, I always complained that I didn’t have enough sleep because I have to wake up for this press member, that VIP or that visitor but I guess it must be 1000x harder for mom. Did she even sleep? Or eat?

This woman, everyone should know while she’s here with us. Hopefully a long time more.

And aren’t I the most blessed daughter in this world to have a mother like this? (Tho some jokers out there would say what has she done to deserve a daughter like me. Woe is you, I say! Be gone!)

 

The Island of Gods Day 1

Our first meal upon reaching the island of gods.
Ayam betutu. Its awesomeness is fiery!!

A giant photo of the Mr revering whilst eating

Kuta Street.
It’s a one road for ins and outs. Thus it’s jammed up whole day long. No matter day or night.
Here you are able to see foreigners on scooters with surfboards on its’ side. Cool

At this point we are proud to be able to say, we have reached Kuta Beach.
It took us an hour for what was supposed to be only a 20 minutes walk.
we departed our hotel with the intention of watching sunset. of course, we reached AFTER the sun has set.
Yea, boo you too.

Some locals playing beach soccer.

A stranger trying to fish.
Weird or what?

 

Whaddaya Mean CNY Is Over Already?!

These 2 hands belong to Skinny and I. Yes, we crashed at BlackJack. Not a good year for us.

Heh. Of course I know damn well CNY is already over *snort.

Anyway I guess that photo pretty much sums up my CNY (except for the fact i spent 4 days in the jungle. Literally.) Gamble and big feasts.

Have a great year ahead everyone!

Hopefully the next time I write I’ll pen down my experience in Bali. It did feel like paradise to me at some point but on the other hand, I can’t wait to come back to Msia. T_T

 

Because I Am Leaving

For Bali, that’s it. And also because I haven’t written anything for yonks.

I am leaving for my first abroad holiday with Skinny (aka TheMan) -and Singapore doesn’t count- to Bali. I am excited to see Bali, because of all the rave reviews about how Bali feels like a paradise and makes you not wanna go home. But I’ve also been warned that Bali is over-rated. Well, let me be the judge then.

Until today, I cooked up an imagination of the place I’ll be staying. I am aware that it’s only a 2-star hotel, or some of my atas friends would put it- budget hotel- but I thought along with Bali’s heavenly scenary , it would be a magical experience so I did not bother to check any of the reviews out. I fell for the images portrayed in their website. And to think I use images for illustration purposes (read: I’m in advertising) I fell for my own cheat.

Skinny downloaded TripAdvisor on my iTouch and made me read reviews of the hotel that we’ll be staying. Let’s just say the reviews were horrifying. It made me panic for a while that I might have chosen a terrible place for us to stay. It is my first time to this island and it’s also our first holiday together and I don’t want this to ruin my first time!

But anyway we have decided to just take the risk. We’ll take it with a smile! while holding a glass of whiskey -______- wtf.

Well, besides my impending fear that my holiday will be ruined by my expectations -_- I’ve also come with a list of things that drive me crazy.

Please bear in mind that I am a completely bearable person, I don’t whine (unless you make me hike!) or complain that much, and I’m a completely easy person to live with! Just don’t make me do chores. XD

Okay, firstly. I can’t tahan people who do not put a new toilet roll after finishing the last piece of recycled paper!! DAMN YOU, YOU INCONSIDERATE IMBECILE!! How is it that anyone can use up the last piece of toilet paper and not put in a new one? A new roll is completely accessible! Just put in a new roll larh. For the next person who uses the toilet. You don’t want to be cursed, do you? Imagine the frustration of after peeing or taking a dump and you realize you’re out of toilet roll. It is mega frustrating. And that person could be you. I pray that it’ll be you. *evil eye.

And I also can’t take it when people don’t flush. Is it very hard? Does it require all of your strength to pull the handle or press that button to flush away your bodily waste? It is utterly disgusting to enter a toilet where the water in the toilet bowl is yellow (you never drink water ka?) or worse, you left your dung in it and it’s a huuuggggeeee pile and it doesn’t float. Shows just how unhealthy you are. Tsk tsk. I can understand if the flush doesn’t work, but if it does, Imma curse you till the day you’re sixfeetunder. Consider yourself warned.

I think other than that. I’m good

See? Told ya I’m easy to live with.

the scariest moment

everybody has a scary moment that will haunt them for life. i have tons of those scary moments. like when i saw the starex robber upclose (yes yes i wasn’t afraid then but it did leave a deep impact on me.) or when i thought there was a burglar in the house and i’m all alone, or when i’m at the living room and i heard noises on the second floor and again, i’m alone, moments like that. it’s scary. not to mention traumatizing.

but i have the scariest moment. and it happened just recently on wednesday night 16 feb 2011.

the man and i had a fight. and we were forced to reach a decision.

i was heartbroken and extremely sad. i felt like i didn’t want to be the one to force him to attend events he didn’t want to or do things he hates. and most of all, i hated the fact the we were arguing. the feeling that follows make me feel something is sucking out every reason of living there was.

and then, my demons took over me. i convinced myself i could survive without him. that life would be back to normal. that i wouldn’t be disappointed when i tried to involve him in my life. (he asked me to)

i took off the watch he gave me from my wrist and gave it back to him. and said, “we’re done.”

i proceed to open the car door to exit when he held me back. and when i saw the tears that started to flow from his eyes and he said, “are you really walking away?”

at that very moment, in a whisp of air, my demons left me. and i was brought back to reality.

what was i thinking. there was no way i could survive without him. i didn’t want to imagine my future without him. laugh without him. or smile. or beam in pride at him.

i wanted him. and i loved him like i never loved anyone before.

that was my scariest moment. to think that i could go one just fine without him.

tutorial v1.1

Note: this post is entirely of my opinion. those who agree, good for you, we have the same perception of things. those who thinks i’m talking cock, well, you can wipe your own arse, or better yet, go suck on your own toes.

today’s topic is:

sarcasm vs plain nasty.

i’ve always been team sarcasm when it comes to this. reason being is, i almost always can’t bring myself to make nasty remarks. if i have, then i should say it’s your bad day or rather i said unintentionally.  i wouldn’t even apologize if i’ve sliced your feelings, you must have did something to deserve that.

i admit, that sarcasm hurt as much as hearing nasty things. some even told me to use sarcasm wisely as it pierce like a double-edged sword. but why did i choose sarcasm if it should hurt like plain nasty remarks? because with sarcasm, you can pretend it’s funny. with sarcasm, you can pretend to laugh at it. with sarcasm, you can laugh at the person who said it and say, “yorrrr, damn lame larh you.” and then, you get on with life.

with sarcasm, it gives you a chance to blow off some steam at the person who has the intention to hurt you in his own way: more sarcasm. and turn the laughing stock pose back to him.

pt 1.a: what should you say instead of nasty things?

say, for example. you met someone with a very ugly, laughable name and you just. have. to say. something.

instead of saying, “omg. your name is terrible.”
it makes him or the people around you feel awkward. and he gets hurt by it. and he’ll feel like it’s his fault hisname is horrible.

what i would normally say are these;

“man, what did you do to your parents to deserve that?!” or “your parents must have hated you.”

with that, it gives people more room to come up with uglier or funnier names they’ve heard thus taking away the unwanted spotlight off of you. (please bear in mind, with sarcasm, without the intention to hurt, please say it  half laughing so that people think you’re being funny.)

if someone said or did something really stupid, you’ll normally hear these:

“Gosh, you’re so dumb!” or “you’re being such a dumbass!” or “can you stop being so fucking stupid/brainless/idiotic/dumb?!”
that (points above) will embarrass the person till he has grandchildren or probably make him feel like finding a hole and bury himself there till the end of time. or he’ll just hate you forever for saying that.

i’d say this instead; “left your brains at home huh?”
i’d say it a nice way, almost feeling pitiful for the person but at the same time, the hidden meaning to my sentence is, you’re stupid. see? you get the point across without stepping on his toes.

pt 1.b: what should you do when people say something sarcastic to you?

please don’t say “well, fuck you too!” please. you’ll just make the person feel extremely please with himself. because the main purpose of sarcasm is this; you hide hidden truths/meaning behind a nasty “joke“. and you’re angry because you get that. and you’ll just give him a chance to say “why are you so upset? i was just saying it in general/i wasn’t talking about you.” and then you’ll be that little 5th grader who’s so easily terasa. don’t let him do the victory punch!!!

what you could do is this; laugh it off. or wave it off. pretend like what he said meant nothing to you or like it didn’t affect you one bit. then he’ll feel like the stupid one. or you could agree. now, i know by agreeing feels like you’re prooving his point or confirming it. but. BUT. IT. WILL SHUT. HIM. UP. trust me if you don’t. it will.

okay. cash course over. i’m lazy.

old testament vs 2011

the tenth day into 2011 and i’m already feeling extremely dulan.

i just hope people remember that we’re living in 2011 and not 273 b.c. -______-

okay i admit i may not be a bible scholar or am extremely expert when it comes to the books of the bible especially the old testaments.

and i also know, that in the bible it also says that we should not mark ourselves (tattoos. but i thought those permanent markings got something to do with the beast’s number? no?) and our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit (i’ve always thought by that it means our soul or spirit, not our flesh)

and something along that line that says in the old testament that we should not ink ourselves in the same sort.

okay, here’s the deal. if we are not allowed to tattoo ourselves because the old testament says so, shouldn’t we also follow the other rules stated in the old testament? like, instead of tithing, maybe we should burn a cow and 3 calves, put ash on our heads should we have sinned, etc, etc?

-_-

honestly, people. you make me sick.

if you are still burning animals as offerings or put ash on your head when you sin or have a priest be in between you and God and follow the other rules in the old testament then yes, you may have the rights to condemn me to hell for inking my body. if not, i suggest you shut your trap.

to me, my belief system is absolutely simple. and personal. i believe in the Trinity. i believe this religion is a relationship i have with my God. i believe praying is a way of communication between me and God. i believe in having the Holy Communion to remember Jesus having His last supper with his disciples and i also believe the bread represents His body that He has broken for us, and the wine (or Ribena) is a symbol of the blood He shed for us. i also believe that our flesh body is merely our tool (or spaceship) that we use while we’re on earth. and when we die, we leave behind our body, and our spirit (or soul) reaches out to Him.

as i believe in Christ, i also believe in the goodness of other religions. i am amazed (in a good way) that Buddhist encourages its believers to be vegetarian on the first and 15th of every month. hey, one less animal down is good news rite? or that Islam makes fasting a compulsory thing for every believer. and i think the Hindu gods are fascinating. and i also believe in karma.

i’m open to religions, i do not condemn other belief systems. as long as you do not ask me to compromise mine.

but that’s another story, for another day. today imma talk about my ink.

many think tattoo is a form of body art. many ink themselves for the sake of aesthetic values, some for remembrance. both ways amaze me, because tattoos to me, say 2 things. 1. they are amazingly beautiful (if done nicely) 2. it shows that the person can take the pain!

i did mine in the form of a memorial. i want to remember my dad. yes, you may say that a memory of a person lies in your heart. to me, that is the biggest bullshit. yes, i remember my dad in my heart, in my mind. but is it wrong in i want the memory of my dad to be physical? oi, it’s not like i had his face tattooed on my body okay. that is just weird.

all i did was his football nickname.

i don’t know what will happen to me today or tomorrow. God forbids that i have a terminal illness or got involved in an accident so bad that my memory is erased. that way, can i still remember who my dad was if i can’t even remember who the hell i am? then, how am i supposed to remember him in my heart or my mind?

at least with the tatt, i know my dad was a footballer, and his nickname, and his football position. and most importantly, i know i love him that much to tattoo him on my body.

please tell me my rationale is wrong.

i am open to advise, teachings, insults or condemnations even, if you are able to tell me my rationale suck balls.

if you can’t, then may i suggest you hold your peace. in other words, shut the hell up.

yes, yes, i’ll admit.

2010 has arrived and left so quickly that my “whaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..” continued on to 2011 “…….ttttttt?”

now it’s 3rd jan, 2011 and i know this time next year i’ll complain the same thing again that 2011 left too soon. i can’t believe i’m already 26. am i still in the mid-twenty category? tell me that i am or i’ll be superly bummed out. the next thing i know i’ll be joining in the late-twenty gang. then i’ll be 30 and that’ll be a slap to my face. why, God, WHY?!?!?!?! i’m NOT ready for any of this!!

but anyway, let’s see what i did in 2010 that is considered buey pai seh.

i answer when people call me Mrs. Lim. yes, we’re not even engaged yet. but i still asnwer when people call me that.

i forgot more things that usual. once, on a trip, i forgot my phone charger and i was left with a dysfunctional phone hence making me feel disconnected with the world. when my phone was charged, i was slapped with many emails and facebook notifications. -_-

needless to say, as per 2009, yes, i banged into more furniture than usual although this time i didn’t hit myself with the phone receiver. thank you.

in 2010, i bought 10 pairs of shoes in my 5 days in singapore. which is not that bad okay?!?! it’s just 2 pairs a day!!! justify justify!

of cos, with that i’ve ignored mom’s ban on me buying more shoes for the zillionth time. come on, who complies to bans like that? it’s nonsense.

in 2o10, i cooked. even tho i got no pictures to justify that but let me tell you what i made. for the first time in my life! i made, seafood spaghetti TWICE, vegetable salad TWICE, my famous fruit salad ONCE (altho made for the second time only), non-baked oreo cheesecake TWICE (this is a big hit with the man. he loves it!) beef stew, ommelette (altho i’m still trying to prefect this), boiled rice FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I’MAWESOMEOMGI’MSOAWESOME, countless times of lemonade, the most awesome vodka lychee (true story i’ve got testimonies for this) vodka watermelon lychee, pancakes, konnyaku jellies (first was a success, second time was a bummer thanks to the presence of lalat)

in 2010 was also a year my heart flutters and crushed. i fought with the man a lot. but yet he also made me smile and laugh a lot.

in 2010, i got my first tatt. i intend to get the second one this year. thank you.

this year i have a few must-do up in my to-do list. i intend to get an expensive wallet on my own. no bags, no fan of bags. shoes, been there done that.

and also, i resolute to cook more. perhaps i can start take the challenge to make complicated dishes.

and in 2011 i’ll do a bit more travelling than 2010. you see, in 2010 i only got 2 chops on my passport (bummer) one to hanoi, and one to singapore. (BOOOOOO!!!!!!!)

this year, however, i’ll make a long-awaited to the beautiful island; bali in march then in may, i’ll be going to the city where i’ll most probably sell my kidney for shopping money, bangkok.

then i dunno, maybe another trip down south? we hope.

but i have more trips to look forward to in the future. taiwan2012. and if we’re able to save money (or strike lottery) we’ll go to the maldives and vienna. my heart sings.

i can’t wait. i can only hope 2011 is a glorious year for me. and for you, the one person reading this. and for everyone also; friends and foes and people who secretly hate me. i know you’re out there.